Six months out of prison, and it feels like I’ve stepped into an entirely different universe, yet the past five years still haunt my thoughts. Moving to a new area was supposed to be my chance at a fresh start, but the fear of slipping back into old habits, especially when you’re affiliated and have unbreakable loyalties, hangs over me like a dark cloud.

It’s perplexing, this feeling of being pulled in two directions – one foot in the civilian world and the other still firmly planted in the prison world. You can’t just erase the past and walk away. It’s a constant struggle, and the past has an uncanny ability to suck you right back in, like a vortex that never truly releases its grip.

The cruel reality is that you can never fully embrace the life of a law-abiding citizen again. The “felon” label serves as a permanent reminder to the world of your past, and practically feels like a life sentence in itself, a reminder that complete acceptance into society may never be yours. It’s a harsh reminder of the judgment that continues to weigh you down.

This journey can make you feel distant, even cold at times. The inability to let people get too close is a heavy burden. You can’t be entirely honest about your past, and trust becomes a luxury you can’t afford, no matter how much you crave connection.

The world has changed during your time away, and now, it doesn’t feel like you fit in anymore. It’s a stark reminder that life after prison is a complex, confusing, and often isolating experience.

Originally written 09/23.